1. |
17
05:19
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well in that case i guess we'll hang around
till the warranty's worn down
we'll just keep on moving house
till someone finds us out
we'll hide the scorch marks in the yard
and the knots on our hearts
that's what makes us us
and on the cusp of 17
that's when the whole thing starts
the shaking visions, prophetic dreams,
the signs, the tattoos, and the scars
the message written in the sky
in chemtrails and in stars:
will you be ours?
who is the birthday girl?
who's the lucky guy?
i am not a criminal –
which of you am i?
which of you am i?
if i broke this body, would they give me one that's mine?
if i broke this body, would they give me one that's mine?
if i broke this body, would they give me one that's mine?
would i be fine?
mysterious shape i saw at sunrise
before i went to school:
i ate my toast and never told you
didn't wanna wake you too
the day it changed, the picket fence,
the grass, the cake, and the balloons –
was it for me or for you?
twisting and gasping, i
surface from a dream
one of us is crying, oh
but which of us is me?
which of us is me?
if i broke this body on the cusp of 17
if i broke this body on the cusp of 17
if i broke this body on the cusp of 17
would they give you back to me?
i am not a criminal
the message in the sky
blow out all the candles
which of them am i?
which of them am i?
if i broke this body (do you think that i’d be fine?)
if i broke this body (on the cusp of 17)
if i broke this body (would they give me one that’s mine?)
if i broke this body (would they give you back to me?)
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2. |
Ready for the House
04:02
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you borrowed my coat and got smashed
then you blew me off and gave my coat back
i pressed the collar to my nose
coconut, perfume, the smell of you after three mojitos
god, i miss Becky so bad
and i’d give anything to forget that
in Oakland for the weekend
but i, i never want to think about the rent again
asleep inside your childhood room
enough Silicon Valley money to reinvent the moon
the bathroom map with all the pushpins
marking all the cities that she’s been in
but we’re no better when we live like bachelors
all this debauchery’s pushing me into the dirt, or so i heard
but everyone i like is gone
skinny pretty boys are rolling on the lawn, so help me god
so help me god
god help me
the wind‘s a dog with three legs
it’s fifty miles before i will speak again
and money can’t buy us out, no!
but i, i don’t really listen to much classic rock or techno
BLOOD! from new teeth in my mouth
apologized for freaking out while at your house
now i can’t tell if wealth feels nice
i don’t even know enough to know when or whether i’m not liked
but that’s all right
i’m in the shower and it’s 3am
i’m looking around the bathroom again
and now all i see on that map
are the spaces without any pins in them
do you believe that it was written in the rock?
the underground will die and i’ll try not to talk
so who will come and save your baby now?
hey, you’re super nice until you start to get left out – what’s that about?
i’m ready for the house
you’ve got my coat on
and i’m ready for the house
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3. |
Homebody
03:59
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Marco Polo, swimming blind
i clutch the wall, i toe the line
the shallow end has made me numb
our mothers watch from waterside
i call and brace for your reply
and someone whispers "here they come"
a cry as my hand finds your arm,
but i've shut my eyes, i'll do no harm
and no one can break the rules we've bent
much later, in a moving car,
all openmouthed, i'll taste the dark around me
you can't go home again
Marco Polo, where you been?
i trace the roadmaps up again
oh, Central Valley, this time i'm too old
to throw a tantrum like a bride's bouquet
into a crowd, but that's okay
i'll hide it a place only i know
the times i wished that i was grown
i really wanted to be alone in silence
but to still feel loved
like maybe in the other room
could be someone with an i love you
if i needed it, if i needed
love, love,
love, if i needed love
like i needed love, love,
love, if i needed love
is this insult? is it injury?
is it something else entirely?
feels different when i am on my own
this stasis-laced catastrophe
i never knew that i could be so homesick
without ever leaving home
and i'm Daniel in the lion's den
when will my pride come back again?
homebody, you'll have to start anew
and then alone in an unfamiliar room
i'll whisper out an i love you
and everyone will know who i'm talking to
cuz those times i wished that i was grown
i really wanted to be alone in silence
but to still feel loved
like maybe in the other room
could be someone with an i love you
if i needed it, if i needed
love, love,
love, if i needed love
and i needed love, love,
love, and i needed –
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4. |
Natural History
05:26
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things i burned that
could still come back:
a million tons of broken glass
what didn't hurt
that i still burned:
half a language dying in the dirt
tabulate it:
everything i saved
everything i didn't give away
stratify it:
devastating loss
everything i ate,
all the people that i loved and i betrayed,
will be
a natural history –
but none of that was me
lunch at Big Creek
we won't speak
three days and then five days again next week
white sage, burnt brush
calls i tried to make when you couldn't talk –
i might die, but they'll never dig that up
don't you touch that
don't you touch my grave
or anything i didn't give away
you can have it
please just take it all
everything i wore,
all the letters that i wrote and i ignored,
will be
a natural history
i said it wasn't me
got home late and wrote down what i thought
laid my bones in sediment to rot
felt it like another Pleistocene:
i thought i knew it once –
well, it burned me in the back and now it's gone
a layer in the sea
a natural history
are you missing me?
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5. |
Body of Water
03:21
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feelings of not enough
wax and ebb
i look like my Lola
just a little, round the jaw
stretch, bend my face to it
but i can't pin it down
i try to speak of it
but nothing's rushing out
and all i want to be
is a body of water
is a body of water
i'm a body of water
no one come near me
i live inside my mirror
till i'm in the street
landlocked, some 'she'
knight in sailboat, calm dark sea
in my own mind
i'm an angel of distress
outside myself
i'm too easy to guess
all i want to be
is a body of water
is a body of water
i'm a body of water
oh, i'll drown in me
if you don't get it, i still love you
even in tears in this kitchen
she said, "if they don't get it, it's not about you,
just the tide changing"
it's just the tide changing
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6. |
Bird in the Nighttime
04:47
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there’s a mule deer at the edge of my property
sniffing out the stars from where they hide in the stream
while you are away, i can feel your love passing over me
like a bird in the night on its way to sleep
there’s a time we’re glad to be alive
and i don’t know when it’s coming again
rising tides and the mythical wives
and the bars on the doors of the warrens
men stand with guns at the edge
of a lonely and terrible fence
and every morning on the bus i watch the mountains rise
brown eye of my joy and a bird in the nighttime
but i don’t own the river or the deer
i swallow lumps of long-gone years
lay my head on a shoulder that shrugged me off
and i knew i was in the wrong
you don’t have to tell me twice, say the word, i’ll be gone
i said, i don’t want to ruin the night for you
you said, i don’t want to be there without you
he played finish line and you handed me a ribbon of the moon
oh, i’ll live long, but never long enough to love you like i want to
there’s a time right before my very eyes
that we’ll spend our whole lives living
in their eyes, i’m a mythical wife,
and in mine, i’m a beast of a burden
you crash through every fence
and you know the boy i am
and every morning on the bus i watch the mountains rise
new moon, closed wound, slow burn in the nighttime
the mountains all alight
a fire lowlands away, my dear
and an old friend was not is a friend anew
he once said, it is all around
you don’t have to chase it down, say the word, cuz we do
there’s a time and a place intertwined
i could spend my whole life chasing
but i’m alive, i am real and surprised
as a yolk in a broken casing
when i can’t see you, we imagine warmer times
some morning on the bus we’ll hold each other tight
you’re the moon of my life, dear bird in the nighttime
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7. |
Genesis
04:01
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there’s a light low tide and my brother and i
are tracing your steps to the sun
in the drops and grains, you are singing the names of the creatures that run when we run
by your hand, as planned,
the stars form the shape of a man
but time brakes hard and the stars, like pearls, come undone
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
there’s a great dark warmth where the trees reside
and we stand together and watch it rise
in the dust you are naming the ways that the sage can be known
there’s a light, and a fault –
it’s not mine and it won’t be resolved
we traverse the drought earth and learn what it grows
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
then you do what men do
and complain that your family left you
and you try to sever the ties that bind all of us who remain
and i say what i say
so you claim i imagined it anyway
so no way can be paved from that masked and hungry place
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
you are a father who bothered to wander
around and decide he would leave
who saw me as the daughter who slaughtered the city that my father named after me
i don’t think, i don’t cry,
i sign “love” at the end of my lines,
though it’s spent, and i haven’t meant it in a long time
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
stop sending me photos of my hometown!
i didn’t like it then, and i don’t like you now
i shuffle my days like a pack of cards
don’t tell me how happy you think you are
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
you name the animals
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8. |
Aria
05:00
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you were not a cathedral, love,
i knew that when i met you,
but i still wear this ring like i’m still young
and even though i do my best
to find you in the quietness
less often now, i still bite my tongue
summer comes in waves
and i never felt safe
maybe it’s not the same
so give it a different name
oh, i try to tell ya
but my words rot before they’re ripe
they were born at the wrong time
and now 400 years have passed
since last October burnt her last –
but you never cared, guess now you never will
i dreamt i was an astronaut,
then i woke up and i forgot,
but in the dawn, the moon was rising still
autumn comes in waves
and still i don’t feel safe
maybe they’re not the same
so give one a different name
oh, i tried to warn ya
but my words were all born freaks
they all looked just like me
the lamplight like a swarm of bees
comes pouring through the centuries
tonight i’ll sing her songs about the moon
and you are like a telescope
turned wrong way round, held much too close
i never sang this aria for you
well, winter goes in waves
and even this will break
no more of these golden flames
no more of this crumbling name
oh, please tell my daughter
she has her mother’s face
but somehow she’ll be safe
that i will keep her safe
the years will go in waves
but she’ll live to see the day
maybe she’s not the same
but she’ll find a different name
tonight, i’m gonna sing her
the loveliest lullaby
and she’ll turn out all right
and she’ll turn out all right
and she’ll turn out all right
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9. |
Balboa Island
03:54
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and then in darkness flying home i'll count my fingers in a dream
and i'll watch the cities passing under, golden, bursting at the seams
i'll pin those constellations to the ground until they leave me cold
this is the future, where i'm young, but oh my god, i feel so old
i feel so old
young and tender and bold
and oh my god, i feel so old
god, i feel so old
it's 2 AM and we go wandering balboa island streets
the moon looks fake, the houses made for dolls, and everything's too neat
so we decide we're still on emma's couch, but fallen fast asleep
and all these houses hold our memories
we're having the same dream
that's how it seems
you and steffi and rachel and me
and we'll wake up clean and we'll wake up completely
this world has libraries and unknown flying objects in the sky
and time's not real and all my dreams are fake and distance is a lie
and i'm too old and i'm too young and still i wanna tell the truth
that i don't want to be with someone, i just wanna be with you
simple but true
if i make you happy too
then that's what we should do, should do
that's what we should do
and we do
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10. |
Modjeska
04:55
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oh, Modjeska, though we may never meet,
i’ve spent my life curled up at your feet
your mother and i shared a place, but not a time
and i’m only in town for a while
season of scales in the year of death,
what can you say that i haven’t heard yet?
when i am driving and alone with you,
oh, i am clueless in a world of clues
oh, mother, mother, in the café window
counting backwards with her eyes closed
tilting toward the myth that she knew best:
“a perfect land where she took her rest”
longed for a life with a horse and a gun
new dust in her mouth, south of a new sun
now she watches her own shadow swell
pacing the boards while the farm goes to hell
so, Modjeska, though i will never know you,
go tell your mother i must be leaving soon
lay down the heavy gown of the foolish prince’s wife
live in that shadow for the rest of your life
loved the city the most when i wasn’t up close, or when falling asleep
and i love you the best when i’m not dispossessed, but it’s not up to me
this refrain was akin to the one that crept in
to the letter i wanted to write —
so i thought about writing all night
and i freeze how i feel until things can be real and not distant
but the strain of the transit defies understanding, now, doesn’t it?
out of the shapes that i know God can take,
well, my favorite’s the space in between us —
but that’s all i want to discuss
and there is no veil and no railing between us and elsewhere
i can’t see you today, but some nearby someday, you will be here,
and the time that we spend between our nows and thens
will look small as the wink of an eye —
as Modjeska has since testified
i love you, i love you, goodnight
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11. |
Camp Pendleton
03:51
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stone-black little lizard on the fence outside
the kitchen i grew up in for most of my life
knee brace and crutches like a fable with a punchline
day bright as the birds on the wild ceramic sky
train runs for miles and i know every pace
she chased me through her backyard with flour on her face
the things i denied myself still took up so much space
but memory makes circles at the end
i am again
cowboy, hill-runner, you turn the sage white
freezing your head so your soul never dies
bombs that bought our freedom, the lawns that drained them dry
powerful men alive again as freeway signs
i don’t like it either, but it swallowed our lives
we were pearled up on the half-shell of your barricade drive
canyon, can you show me how to give up my power this time?
memory makes circles at the end
i am again
memory makes circles at the end
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Nightjars Vancouver, British Columbia
Nightjars is the solo project of queer and trans singer-songwriter Adrian Matias Bell. His first album, Modjeska, is a collection of songs written in and about his childhood home of Orange County. Carrying echoes of 70s singer-songwriter craft, Modjeska explores a California coming-of-age with gravity and warmth. ... more
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